Overall, a fun weekend. There was many of my favorite people there, so that was a bonus! I got to hang out with the besties (some of whom I feel like I never get to hang out with), some old friends I rarely see, and some I see all the time. It was great fun. And a well run show. Just... not quite what I was hoping it would be for Team Awesome.
So... we got there Friday in good time and got settled in and walked XC. It was... well, a disappointment and a relief. And then the fear set in. It's like.... its okay if we have bobbles at prelim because... well, it's prelim and we're still new to it, and apparently it's just hard for some of us. But at training again.... we had something ridiculous like 16 clean consecutive runs... what if we can't get around at training?!?! Does that mean I broke him? But I seriously was worried at a few places... the issues we had at prelim didn't appear to only be size related, which made me worry that they would now carry down to training level. And I was right.... Sigh. But at the same time... I was a little disappointed. The course was fairly simple... after moving up to prelim. I mean yes... it was a championship course and had some tougher questions, but it was a little disappointing too. I'm still very much as stubborn as my spotty and very much have that "but we should be doing prelim..... " voice in the back of my head. So... oh well. So then we hacked and Flecky felt lovely. Then Beth got there and we walked the prelim Champ course. Now I was glad I had dropped down. Sure, it was the prelim champ course and not just regular prelim, but... there's no way Fleck and I would have made it through. Not with the ride I've been giving him lately and the horse I've had lately. It just looked tough and tricky and technical and big. My heart wouldn't have been in it. So I was glad for where I was.
Saturday am was not quite such an early am. A bonus of riding training level again. Although riding early would have been a heck of a lot cooler! We had a decent dressage. Warm up was a bit more conservative in that we didn't push Fleck to the point of him pitching a fit and working through it but he was quite nice. The test was decent. It was a vast improvement over two weeks ago naughtyness. But because of that... I didn't push as much as I should have. He was behind my leg and a bit.... putzy perhaps. But no blow ups so... there yah go. We still blew the free to medium walk, but we did pull out three 8's. We got a 38.6, or 36.8.... I think a 38.6. And I abhor that test. I was correct... I did break the stretchy trot... we got a 4 on that I think.... Oh well. The three 8's were nice. That put us tied for 11th out of 18. A three way tie I think. I was okay with it. Not thrilled, but happy with it considering the last test. I think now I can breathe again and start pushing again. :) And I am happy to get 8's and 4s rather than all 6's, so... yay. :) So then we had a short break and then got ready for XC. He felt pretty good in warm up. He was jumping fine and felt good. Nothing ground breaking good or bad happened. So then we went out. He started out okay. Jumped the garden gate fence decently, sorta got deep and petered out a little over the hanging log, jumped the hedge in the shade okay, cantered through the water fine. Came up the hill to the saws and he trotted but we did that on purpose and then he cantered over. Then on to the trakenher... Maybe I didn't ride hard enough because of the squiggly line to the squid, but he sorta crawled that one.. then landed icky and we made it to the squid but he had to heave over it. Luckily it's tiny and he could.. then we plopped into and through the water. I told Beth we "Flantered" it.... It was a tranter (trot and canter at the same time) but it was a flailing version. So there was a big table out of the water and I knew it was going to be tough so I was trying to get him energized and impulsed (is that a word?) so we could get out. He took a flyer. There's a cute pic of him all tucked up and taking the long spot with me way behind. Then I was able to comprehend... hey, he's been behind my leg this whole time... so I kicked him on and we jumped the barrels fairly nice and the white cabin fairly nice. I told him he was going to fly that corner regardless of whether you're supossed to fly corners or not! And he did... (in my defense it was a faux corner... a cheesecake wedge if you will). Then he jumped quite nicely up the bank and over the coop. Then we turned and did our roll back to the coop to the drop bank. And this is where I was worried about us having an issue. I figured it was the classic "I can see that there is something up on the backside of this jump but can't see what it is" fence combo. And even worse was that the coop was solid with two trees on either side, so really... you couldn't see. I lost his shoulder a little and wasn't "In" the tack as well as I could have been. But I tried my damndest to sit my butt down and dig my spurs in and get him over it. He didn't really back off necessarily, but he stopped... It wasn't a surprise stop... I kinda knew it was coming, but it wasn't like he stopped four strides back. ARGH!!!! Really Fleck? So we circled and he jumped it fine and got a good boy. Then he crawled over the half-coffin so I got him over that and then gave him three solid good whacks. YOU WILL GET IN FRONT OF MY LEG!!! GOOOOOO!!! And he did...He galloped on. We jumped the mushrooms beautifully and came flying down to the chevron. At this point I really didn't care about much. It was a fairly decent sized chevron and fairly skinny... and coming downhill. I probably could have and should have collected him a bit more but I did make sure he was balanced. I do remember telling him "well, you probably ought to be prepared to pick your feet up here cause I"m not helping you anymore than this". And he did. It wasn't real pretty but it wasn't horrid. And I don't feel like it was unsafe... and he didn't pitter in to the deep spot. So then on to the upright fence which was fine. And then.... wonders of wonders... my old Flecky that I love and miss came back!!! He turned and took me to the canoe!!! He jumped it great and then launched into the water and then we flew up the hill and over the little stone wall. So for the last three fences I had my Fleck back. The Fleck that I know and love and know how to ride on XC. The one that if I had had all along... would have been okay tackling the prelim course on. But up until that point... nope.... That was not the horse I had. So the question is why? Was he thinking the same thing? Where the heck is the Mom I know and Love and like riding XC with? Or is he hurting? Or is he scared? Bored? Just mad at me? Or am I giving him too much credit and it's just that it's hard work and it was hot and he just really didn't want to and I didn't make him? Argh.... so we came home and... I admit it. I'm ashamed of it, but I was mad at him again. Well, maybe not mad, but disheartened. And mad at myself too. I hosed him off and gave him some carrots and some love but then went and had a cry fest with Peri and Marianna. They made me feel better but.. what was wrong with us? What happened to "us"? We used to be such an amazing team... on fire.... We'd come off XC and it made up for dressage. I was always so proud of him and ready to brag on him... And now... I felt horrible because I wasn't so proud of him. And I don't want to be that person. I want to love my horse and think he's the most wonderful thing on the planet. And I know it doesn't come down to competition and XC. But... I'm competitive. I LIKE competiting... I LOVE XC... Fleck used to too. What happened to us? Where did I go wrong? And why was I crying with my friends instead of loving on my horse and telling him how great he was. Because the truth is... he got me home safely and he did what I asked. And maybe he even did it despite some pain or issues.... I don't know! So how could I be upset with him?? But I was... So I had a good cry with them and they made me feel better. At least I felt quilty of my feelings... So I went back and loved on him and told him I was proud of him and he was still awesome and we would figure it out. Then it was a whirlwind of a day getting everyone else taken care of and watched and cheered on.
So Sunday dawned another early but not too early day. I was a little rushed because I didn't quite give myself enough time and Fleck had poopy left side. And oh... he had a tick on the lateral side his cannon bone yesterday that I pulled off before XC. And Fleck is super sensitive to ticks so he was a little swollen. Well despite pulling the tick off, ichthamoling it, and wrapping him... he was much poofier this morning. Not uncomfy or anything and since I knew it was tick related, I didn't panic. But I did try to cold hose him a bit and that also put me behind schedule. So anyways, we got tacked up and got there in time and had enough time to warm up, but I mentally felt a little rushed. But he warmed up fine. Jumped well. Again, nothing spectacular, but... no need to really. I told Beth I was actually kinda sad he didn't have a stop or something so I could be mad and really ride. She said I should still be mad from yesterday and that kinda hit home. I was still mad from yesterday... and then more mad because I knew I sorta shouldn't have been... So anyways... I went in and gave him a smack as we started our circle. That worked :) He woke up and realized I meant business, and boy did I! I rode!!! Like, really rode.... And yes... we had some turns that weren't beautiful and I lost his shoulder a bit, but I was able to get him back and back in line and... He was great! We went clean and had a lovely round. He listened, he never once thought about saying no... and I was pretty good about keeping my hands low. And it turns out... we were only one of two or three in my division with clean rounds. The top two people had 12 faults or something, so... it was a truly lovely round. :) So yay... redemption. Beth said that she thought more about me asking her earlier if putting someone else on Fleck to get him around XC would be a good idea. She said that she really thinks he has my number. She said that if I had ridden XC the way I rode stadium... we would have been clean. (which also means we would have been in 2nd place out of 18 in area champs. Argh...). So... now I feel even worse. Here I am thinking there's something wrong with Fleck... and perhaps it's just me not riding properly. I mean... I blamed my earlier stops on me.... but really kinda thought the sunken road and pine top bank complex and even the water trough at the lucinda clinic stops were not me related. People said "even boyd martin couldn't have gotten him over that".... But... perhaps that is true, but had I ridden like a big girl prior to everything, we wouldn't have gotten to that point. So.. what is it? Is it that there is something going on? Or just that it got a little harder for him and I stopped riding (or never started riding) like a prelim rider and made it easy for him to say no. And so he started saying no. ????
This is what is going through my brain... the relentless circles. And all the people who mean well, but really don't know the whole situation... are making it worse. The comments about how maybe he's just not a prelim horse or how maybe he's hurting because it's not like him to say no..... they just are destructive to me. I KNOW that he could be hurting. Trust me.. he's 15. I'm freaking out about him getting old... I know he doesn't have pretty knees or hocks. I know he gets back sore. But that is also why he gets chiro'd, saddle fitted, hocks injected, knees injected, glucosamine, adequan, legends, pentosan, oral HA daily, etc. Whatever he could possibly want.. he gets. And then I go into the viscious cycle of... am I doing all this to make him sound? I don't want to do things like this just so that I can break him down. But if it's just that he's an older horse with poor conformation for eventing and an athlete and the stuff helps him feel better.. that's a different story. But where does the line get crossed? Do I know? Does anyone know? Does the line move? And I realize I have nothing else to ride yet, so am I pushing him to do something he's not capable of doing because I don't have any other options? Or am I just making him feel better? Or does it even matter? Does he care even? And as far as him being a prelim horse... sure, I realize it's hard and he may not be able to do it, but he sure rocked the courses earlier on. And even schooling after at Chatt Hills, once I got him over the sunken road and he understood it (or understood that he was going regardless of whether he wanted to or not) he rocked the entire course. So.. how is it that he can jump around and soar around and appear to be having fun one moment and then saying no the next? That makes me think that either he doesn't understand the particular questions.. and it does appear to be related to jumps that he can't see ahead of... or he just is being a pill. If it's pain.. why isn't it over more jumps. Sure, the sunken road and down banks...downhill jumps. But he's refusing the jump before the downhill part. And if it's downhill pain, why is he soaring into the water and off the other drops happily? I just don't get it. But then I say.. well, I've always said that he does anything I ask... so maybe I've taken advantage of that and he's doing it because he knows I want him to, but he really is struggling. He just does it for me. Then I feel horrible all over again. And then some people say that he's just being nappy and it's getting a little bit harder for him so he's stopping because you've let him stop. So what do I do? Beat him over it and tell him that is not acceptable because I've allowed it before and now he needs to realize stopping isn't an option? But how can I determine if it's training vs trauma? What is the right answer? Does he need time off to make himself feel better? Does he need to train through this and realize that I mean business and then he can have some time off? You know... I just don't know. And it's killing me that I can't determine which it is. We're trained to always go to the pain answer, but I can't figure out where he's hurting.
So.... ultimately... this weekend was frustrating in that we didn't "fix" our issues. But it was also positive because after stadium, I was so proud of him and myself. And I was able to reward him and tell him how lovely he was and how proud of him I was, and I really was! I was no longer mad at him. By blaming me (which honestly, is always the answer)... Beth has given me some freedom and fixed us in a way. I can stop blaming Fleck and being mad at him. (again, not that I was entirely blaming him, and also not that Beth isn't saying that Fleck isn't taking advantage of the situation)... But somehow.. .my sick twisted brain of mine... has morphed this into a good thing. I feel like we can fix this and we can get him back and while we may not ever be awesome and amazing... I feel like he can be a good prelim horse. It's in there... and it may not be in there for multiple seasons.. or at championship level... but I feel like we can figure it out and get back to blazing around XC and having fun again... at prelim. So.... the next step in the plan to accomplish that.... don't laugh... is to call an animal communicator. I just want to see what she says.. I'm hoping that it's not something like Fleck hates me.. or hates eventing.... or even that he's hurting and can't do this anymore. But I feel like this may help me determine a pain vs training issue. At the very least, I can say I've tried everything... Right now I feel like I'm at a cross roads of giving him the summer off and starting over vs trying to fix it while the goings hot. And I also know I'm stubborn enough (imagine that...) to try to keep fixing things when the best choice may be to back off. So I'm hoping she'll give me some clarification on that. And of course, we'll do more veterinary seeking. Trying to find out if he hurts and where.
So... we'll see. More to the saga to come I'm sure...
But Flecky seems happy today and his swollen tick bite looks better. He's enjoying the day off and getting to be free and graze rather than be stuck in his stall all day.
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