Optimistic again!

Whooo hoooo!!! I'm allowing myself some optimism. Cause I'm happier that way.

Fleck seems to be in a much better mood and also seems to feel better!! And this is despite not having any true "treatments" yet. His IRAP is still on back order and he just got his first laser session today. In the meantime, he's had time off, light trail rides, and I've increased his glucosamine and pentosan dosing schedule. He also had about 8 days of previcox and is now on BL solution and MSM and Recovery EQ. And he seems happier. Perhaps it's just that we've stopped poking and prodding him and trying to make him lame. ;)

But we've been having fun. We've been trail riding galore. And quite honestly... it's HOT and miserable, so trail riding is just fine. Like... 111 degrees HOT!!! We went to Ashland and went swimming. Well, Fleck went in up to his barrel, but we'll get there. We've got to the horse park and Charlie Elliot. We took Dan along and did some walks with him. So.. yep, we've been having fun.

 

The laser therapy is pretty cool and I'm hoping that between that, the IRAP, and some hard core religious maintenance and management... we'll be back in work soon. If not.. well, those trail rides will still be fun long term.

But again, I'm allowing myself to be highly optimistic. He cantered happily today... not asking when he could stop. I had to stop him! And I sorta think he was partially trying to buck me off :)

Yay!!!! In the words of Jason Mraz.....

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

or a beautiful sunrise

Theres so much they hold

just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

to be right where you are

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us

even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space

to do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

to see what you find.

Cause even the stars, they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No I won't give up

                        I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

the tools and gifts we've got, yeah we got a lot at stake.

And in the end, you're still my friend, at least we did intend

for us to work, we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I've got and what I'm not,

And who I am

.

No, I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough.       
I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up.
I'm still looking up.
I won't give up, God knows I'm tough enough
I am tough, I am loved,
We've got a lot to learn, we are alive, we are worth it.
God knows we're worth it.
I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough.
I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up.
I'm still looking up.

Oh Happy Days

Just wanted to post some of my favorite photos of Flecky....

This was back when I first got him...

 and our first ride together... before I even owned him....

Our one year anniversary and schooling at Diamond M.

Our first Training Level show... schooling show, but we WON IT!!!

Novice AEC's in Illinios. We sucked, but we had a blast!!! Can you tell? :)

Okay... I'll stop now. :)

Listen to your heart

So yeah.... I should have listened to my gut... Fleck was hurting... pretty badly. Although I can try to make myself feel better and say it didn't really start until April. But knowing what I know now.... I think the recent stops at jumps were related, the stopping at jumps he couldn't see what was coming up was related... and perhaps even some of the tripping.

Basically his vet work up showed that he's got "moderate arthritis" in just about every joint in his front limbs. :( To the point where the vets were surprised he moved as well as he did considering his rads. Sigh... My poor poor guy...

He's got a chip in his right knee, bad knees, bad pasterns, bad ringbone, and... who knows what else?! I think we stopped with that, because, quite frankly, that's enough! BUT... the good news is that he's tough, and not every horse reads the book. I've always told owners that x-rays don't always correlate. I've seen plenty of dogs with horrible spondylosis that still run and romp and others with the tiniest bit that can barely move. Because it's an all over kinda thing.. the plan is to lube him up as best as I can and take it by ear. If he's happy, then ride and enjoy him. It will progress.... but it will regardless of whether I retire him now or not. Plus, if I keep him fit he's relying more on muscle than his joints.

So.. the plan is to try IRAP, joint injections as needed, and then continue his maintenance but be a little more obsessive about it and much much pickier with what I do with him. Extreme management. I honestly think he enjoys it too, so as long as he stays happy and forward.. we keep playing. If he starts acting ouchy or stopping or sluggish...we back off.

I'm actually sorta okay with this. It's not a life threatening thing... and even if he has to retire from eventing, he should still be good for dressage, and then trail riding.

So... fingers crossed I can make him happy. He's already feeling better with some minor changes to start, so I'm optimistic. His heart is so big... it makes up for a lot. I just am going to watch him like a hawk and do my damndest to make sure I'm not taking advantage of that big ol' heart of his.

He really truly is such a generous giving horse. I'm lucky to have him!

Summer vacation... still!

Flecky is still enjoying his vacation.... Well, actually, I don't really think he is enjoying it that much. I think he's bored... and pouting.. and feeling left out. So I've been trying to do some fun rides when I can.... until we get him figured out. We did enjoy a lovely ride with our good friends Missy and Zhar and Marty and ...oh, brain fart... the paint! We went smimming :) Well, Zhar and Missy went swimming. Oh, Toby!!! The paint. Toby and Fleck went in but didn't swim. They did enjoy splashing like crazy though. It was super fun and just what Fleck and I both needed to help mend our bored little hearts :)

 

So... We also saw the animal commmunicator during his vacation.  I won't get too much into the details about the animal communicator because... well, it's personal. And despite that fact that I am pretty sure this blog is only read by me... its' personal. But basically she told me what I already know/knew.

That Fleck is an amazing, wonderful, generous horse. Basically she said that I was incredibly lucky to have him because he was a healer. And you don't find many horses like that. He WANTS to help heal me and make me happy. But of course I knew that. She did say that he likes my laugh and he adores me. He wants me and only me to ride him and it is favorite thing to have me riding him. The bad news is that she said he was hurting but that he was afraid I'd stop riding and get rid of him if he didn't keep going, so he didn't want me to know. So yep... I've pretty much always said (minus my small bout of loss of faith... for which I feel HORRIBLE about!) that he does whatever I ask, or at least tries. No matter what... I really am a lucky girl! But again, I already knew that. :)

So.. he's still on vacation and he has an appointment to be worked up next week, then his appointment with Stan, then his appointment with Kathryn. I'm doing everything I can to make him happy and comfy again so we can keep riding and having fun together. And I made darn sure I told him that he was stuck with me forever and there was no way he'll ever be replaced. Even if all we do is hang out or just trail ride. But I'm hoping that's not the case!

I did hop on him yesterday because he seemed sad and grumpy since he hadn't been worked in a bit and he's got an appt Wed and I sorta wanted to make sure he was a bit ouchy. Because I'd hate for him to feel better and not be able to find what was bothering him! So we did about 40 minutes of hacking. Nothing too crazy, just walk/trot/canter. He was better than before but still a bit behind my leg. So then I decided to try him without my saddle. I took it off and just about then the deer spooked him. So, I got back on without the saddle but he was still on edge from the deer and a bit spooky. Great.. I couldn't tell if he was happier and more forward because of the deer or the lack of saddle. But he was definitely more in front of my leg and seemed happier.

I'm going to feel way stupid if it's the darn jump saddle... after all the stress, tears, frustrations, etc...  It was checked in January though! And deemed A-OK. Although afterwards I did start to think it was getting to low on him while I was riding... and then it sorta seemed to fit with all his symptoms... I just didn't put two and two together. BUT.. maybe it's more than that... I'm sure there's more to it than that, but it would almost be awesome if that was the main problem... I can fix that! Yes, I love that saddle, but I'd much rather replace it then worry about him and how to keep him comfy.

So... we'll see. I plan to ride bareback the next few rides and see what happens. And then he'll have his week of Spa treatment... or something.. ;) Vet, Vet, Farrier, Chiro, bodyworker. :)

Fingers crossed I can make him happy again!

Taking a breather...

Argh.. so now I think I broke my pony.... Well.. I don't know... I rode again the other day and he was sluggish again. And then I started thinking.. he was sluggish at Poplar.. even at training. What's wrong with him?!?! Maybe he really is hurting.... Originally that was my thought but then he clocked around the rest of the course at Chatt Hills schooling. So I thought, well if he's hurting, wouldn't he be stopping at more than just one particular fence? It really seemed like he wasn't understanding.... But then... when he started acting like a school horse.. you know, the kind you have to keep kicking.... well, that's just not Fleck. He and I both share the need for speed! So... I ran bloodwork... unremarkable. I'm sending off EPM titers.. just in case. And giving him about three weeks off... and doing the animal communicator tomorrow am. He's going back to Dr. Brown on the 18th..  And I'm going to take him to Dr. Dayton, Dr. Keeton, or even UGA if those don't help. Or maybe even if they do.

In a way it's great timing... I had this week off and was able to spend time with Mike, and just chill. I did ride some, but not like I would have. Then I worked at the day clinic today, go back to work tomorrow for my normal week plus an extra 5 hours Saturday plus it's Memorial Day weekend.. then I go to the beach for five days, come home and work 2 days at the day clinic, then work my next week. So it would be really hard to keep riding during those three weeks anyways... So he gets a month off more or less. He'll probably end up being ridden about 5 times during that month, but it'll all be light rides. So... you know.. he deserves a little Summer break too.

And then Peri suggested I have Kathryn look at him. She's Sunny's massager. Only it's not just massage. It's pretty cool! It's ... okay, I have no idea how to spell it, but... reike energy type stuff... But it seems to be very anatomical and pathophysiology related too. I mean, the energy stuff is very holistic, but how it's all tying in appeals to my science brain. So anyways.. Kathryn worked with him and she said that she felt like he was very blocked in his shoulders and that it could certainly be playing a big role. So... I'm optimistically hopeful that this will make a huge difference!! I mean.. I know he's got issues.. he's a 15 year old event horse who's been ridden hard the past few years at the least. He's gonna have some arthritis and some discomfort, but... I'm hoping it's all just mild/normal/expected wear and tear and will still be managable. And that this will give me back my lean mean goofy speedy eventing machine!
I did hop on tonight just to see. So far....seems to be helping! He seemed happier today... granted he may just have been REALLY hungy, but he neighed extra exuberantly tonight for dinner. And he felt very loose and good tonight. I didn't feel any lame steps and he seemed happy enough trotting around. I didn't have to kick, kick, kick. However, he was still a little sluggish in his walk and while the canter wasn't hard to get.. it was a little hard to keep and he did fall out of it when I took my leg off. It just wasn't quite as labored as the other day. So.. fingers crossed. But hey, it was better than the other day! And as Kathryn said... we only got through 2 layers of it yesterday.. there's plenty more. So... fingers crossed.

Dressage... and tears... (happy tears!)

So.... today I had a lesson with Cindy and rode in the Perfection saddle. I was worried it was going to be too narrow, but he really felt good in it. We had a good ride. He was trying hard and I was trying hard and we got some good work. I do need to remember to open my left rein (and NOT cross the neck) when half passing left. He felt pretty sproingy. So... tonight Cindy A. came over and fitted him again and now... I'm trying to decide which saddle to go with. Sigh... Such a huge decision... such an expensive decision...

But tonight... after cleaning, I was on COTH and reading... and read something which hit home. It was a poor girl who was having a bad time showing her horse. He was being naughty in the dressage ring and she was so frustrated with him and showing. And everyone gave her good advice, but then someone mentioned that perhaps she needed to get back to being in love with her horse. And that hit home... Not necessarily tonight.... a few days ago. It didn't hit me square in the face.. but sorta snuck in and creeped into my consiousness. Perhaps when I decided to call an animal communicator... I didn't want to hear the AC say that he didn't love me, or he knew I was mad at him. I wanted to be his best friend again. And sadly... I kinda wasn't lately. I put my goals and ambitions in front of our relationship. He's my best friend... my heart and soul (aside from my most wonderful loving husband!) and my pride and joy. And here I was... mad at him. For some stupid reason... that he wasn't cooperating with my plans. Really?? Cause he's a horse... and he really has no clue that I wanted to show the world that he WAS a prelim horse! And why?? WHY does it really matter if he can run prelim? Because people said he couldn't? So.... who cares!? Except, I kinda do/did. I wanted to prove them wrong.. because he's awesome... and amazing.....and an incredible jumper and brave and honest and all those wonderful reasons why I love him. I want the world to see that about him and love him too. But it doesn't mean that he has to run prelim. Yet.. if I'm being honest... I still want to do it. It's fun... when I'm not terrified or about to vomit my guts out. And I still want to reach that goal. Yes, I'd even still like to do a one star. But at least now... (and I hope I remember this later!), I feel like I can be a bit more relaxed about it. If we don't ever get back to prelim... well, he did finish A PRELIM with NO XC penalties other than time. And that was because we got stuck behind the one horse. So HE IS A PRELIM HORSE!!!  He is *A* prelim horse... he may not be a more than one prelim horse.. but he is a prelim horse! And really, he should get credit for the other event we finished even though we had two stops.. because those stops were all my fault. So... I proved it... Why am I stressing about it still?? Because I'm as obstinate as he is. ;) Only, really, he's not that obstinate...

So anyways... point is... I'm back to loving him. And I think he knows it. He might still be holding a little grudge, but he's coming around. And we're back to having fun again. Real fun... like happy in our hearts and souls fun again because we're a team again. And I hope he fully forgives me... and that he forgives me again when I backslide because I get caught up in the quest to become a prelim team again. I am not stupid enough to know that it isn't a possibility again. And I'm not too proud to admit that even now... I'm still digging my toes in the dirt about running training at the next event... instead of P/T. I swear... there's something wrong with me....

But at least my pony loves me again :)

More disappointment but a positive ending

So.... we went to the Area Champs... and did not fare as well as last time. The potential was there....

Overall, a fun weekend. There was many of my favorite people there, so that was a bonus! I got to hang out with the besties (some of whom I feel like I never get to hang out with), some old friends I rarely see, and some I see all the time. It was great fun. And a well run show. Just... not quite what I was hoping it would be for Team Awesome.

So... we got there Friday in good time and got settled in and walked XC. It was... well, a disappointment and a relief. And then the fear set in. It's like.... its okay if we have bobbles at prelim because... well, it's prelim and we're still new to it, and apparently it's just hard for some of us. But at training again.... we had something ridiculous like 16 clean consecutive runs... what if we can't get around at training?!?! Does that mean I broke him? But I seriously was worried at a few places... the issues we had at prelim didn't appear to only be size related, which made me worry that they would now carry down to training level. And I was right.... Sigh. But at the same time... I was a little disappointed. The course was fairly simple... after moving up to prelim. I mean yes... it was a championship course and had some tougher questions, but it was a little disappointing too. I'm still very much as stubborn as my spotty and very much have that "but we should be doing prelim..... " voice in the back of my head. So... oh well. So then we hacked and Flecky felt lovely. Then Beth got there and we walked the prelim Champ course. Now I was glad I had dropped down. Sure, it was the prelim champ course and not just regular prelim, but... there's no way Fleck and I would have made it through. Not with the ride I've been giving him lately and the horse I've had lately. It just looked tough and tricky and technical and big. My heart wouldn't have been in it. So I was glad for where I was.

Saturday am was not quite such an early am. A bonus of riding training level again. Although riding early would have been a heck of a lot cooler! We had a decent dressage. Warm up was a bit more conservative in that we didn't push Fleck to the point of him pitching a fit and working through it but he was quite nice. The test was decent. It was a vast improvement over two weeks ago naughtyness. But because of that... I didn't push as much as I should have. He was behind my leg and a bit.... putzy perhaps. But no blow ups so... there yah go. We still blew the free to medium walk, but we did pull out three 8's. We got a 38.6, or 36.8.... I think a 38.6. And I abhor that test. I was correct... I did break the stretchy trot... we got a 4 on that I think.... Oh well. The three 8's were nice. That put us tied for 11th out of 18. A three way tie I think. I was okay with it. Not thrilled, but happy with it considering the last test. I think now I can breathe again and start pushing again. :) And I am happy to get 8's and 4s rather than all 6's, so... yay. :) So then we had a short break and then got ready for XC. He felt pretty good in warm up. He was jumping fine and felt good. Nothing ground breaking good or bad happened. So then we went out. He started out okay. Jumped the garden gate fence decently, sorta got deep and petered out a little over the hanging log, jumped the hedge in the shade okay, cantered through the water fine. Came up the hill to the saws and he trotted but we did that on purpose and then he cantered over. Then on to the trakenher... Maybe I didn't ride hard enough because of the squiggly line to the squid, but he sorta crawled that one.. then landed icky and we made it to the squid but he had to heave over it. Luckily it's tiny and he could.. then we plopped into and through the water. I told Beth we "Flantered" it.... It was a tranter (trot and canter at the same time) but it was a flailing version. So there was a big table out of the water and I knew it was going to be tough so I was trying to get him energized and impulsed (is that a word?) so we could get out. He took a flyer. There's a cute pic of him all tucked up and taking the long spot with me way behind. Then I was able to comprehend... hey, he's been behind my leg this whole time... so I kicked him on and we jumped the barrels fairly nice and the white cabin fairly nice. I told him he was going to fly that corner regardless of whether you're supossed to fly corners or not! And he did... (in my defense it was a faux corner... a cheesecake wedge if you will). Then he jumped quite nicely up the bank and over the coop. Then we turned and did our roll back to the coop to the drop bank. And this is where I was worried about us having an issue. I figured it was the classic "I can see that there is something up on the backside of this jump but can't see what it is" fence combo. And even worse was that the coop was solid with two trees on either side, so really... you couldn't see. I lost his shoulder a little and wasn't "In" the tack as well as I could have been. But I tried my damndest to sit my butt down and dig my spurs in and get him over it. He didn't really back off necessarily, but he stopped... It wasn't a surprise stop... I kinda knew it was coming, but it wasn't like he stopped four strides back. ARGH!!!! Really Fleck? So we circled and he jumped it fine and got a good boy. Then he crawled over the half-coffin so I got him over that and then gave him three solid good whacks. YOU WILL GET IN FRONT OF MY LEG!!! GOOOOOO!!! And he did...He galloped on. We jumped the mushrooms beautifully and came flying down to the chevron. At this point I really didn't care about much. It was a fairly decent sized chevron and fairly skinny... and coming downhill. I probably could have and should have collected him a bit more but I did make sure he was balanced. I do remember telling him "well, you probably ought to be prepared to pick your feet up here cause I"m not helping you anymore than this". And he did. It wasn't real pretty but it wasn't horrid. And I don't feel like it was unsafe... and he didn't pitter in to the deep spot. So then on to the upright fence which was fine. And then.... wonders of wonders... my old Flecky that I love and miss came back!!! He turned and took me to the canoe!!! He jumped it great and then launched into the water and then we flew up the hill and over the little stone wall. So for the last three fences I had my Fleck back. The Fleck that I know and love and know how to ride on XC. The one that if I had had all along... would have been okay tackling the prelim course on. But up until that point... nope.... That was not the horse I had. So the question is why? Was he thinking the same thing? Where the heck is the Mom I know and Love and like riding XC with? Or is he hurting? Or is he scared? Bored? Just mad at me? Or am I giving him too much credit and it's just that it's hard work and it was hot and he just really didn't want to and I didn't make him? Argh.... so we came home and... I admit it. I'm ashamed of it, but I was mad at him again. Well, maybe not mad, but disheartened. And mad at myself too. I hosed him off and gave him some carrots and some love but then went and had a cry fest with Peri and Marianna. They made me feel better but.. what was wrong with us? What happened to "us"? We used to be such an amazing team... on fire.... We'd come off XC and it made up for dressage. I was always so proud of him and ready to brag on him... And now... I felt horrible because I wasn't so proud of him. And I don't want to be that person. I want to love my horse and think he's the most wonderful thing on the planet. And I know it doesn't come down to competition and XC. But... I'm competitive. I LIKE competiting... I LOVE XC... Fleck used to too. What happened to us? Where did I go wrong? And why was I crying with my friends instead of loving on my horse and telling him how great he was. Because the truth is... he got me home safely and he did what I asked. And maybe he even did it despite some pain or issues.... I don't know! So how could I be upset with him?? But I was... So I had a good cry with them and they made me feel better. At least I felt quilty of my feelings... So I went back and loved on him and told him I was proud of him and he was still awesome and we would figure it out. Then it was a whirlwind of a day getting everyone else taken care of and watched and cheered on.

So Sunday dawned another early but not too early day. I was a little rushed because I didn't quite give myself enough time and Fleck had poopy left side. And oh... he had a tick on the lateral side his cannon bone yesterday that I pulled off before XC. And Fleck is super sensitive to ticks so he was a little swollen. Well despite pulling the tick off, ichthamoling it, and wrapping him... he was much poofier this morning. Not uncomfy or anything and since I knew it was tick related, I didn't panic. But I did try to cold hose him a bit and that also put me behind schedule. So anyways, we got tacked up and got there in time and had enough time to warm up, but I mentally felt a little rushed. But he warmed up fine. Jumped well. Again, nothing spectacular, but... no need to really. I told Beth I was actually kinda sad he didn't have a stop or something so I could be mad and really ride. She said I should still be mad from yesterday and that kinda hit home. I was still mad from yesterday... and then more mad because I knew I sorta shouldn't have been... So anyways... I went in and gave him a smack as we started our circle. That worked :) He woke up and realized I meant business, and boy did I! I rode!!! Like, really rode.... And yes... we had some turns that weren't beautiful and I lost his shoulder a bit, but I was able to get him back and back in line and... He was great! We went clean and had a lovely round. He listened, he never once thought about saying no... and I was pretty good about keeping my hands low. And it turns out... we were only one of two or three in my division with clean rounds. The top two people had 12 faults or something, so... it was a truly lovely round. :) So yay... redemption. Beth said that she thought more about me asking her earlier if putting someone else on Fleck to get him around XC would be a good idea. She said that she really thinks he has my number. She said that if I had ridden XC the way I rode stadium... we would have been clean. (which also means we would have been in 2nd place out of 18 in area champs. Argh...). So... now I feel even worse. Here I am thinking there's something wrong with Fleck... and perhaps it's just me not riding properly. I mean... I blamed my earlier stops on me.... but really kinda thought the sunken road and pine top bank complex and even the water trough at the lucinda clinic stops were not me related. People said "even boyd martin couldn't have gotten him over that"....  But... perhaps that is true, but had I ridden like a big girl prior to everything, we wouldn't have gotten to that point.  So.. what is it? Is it that there is something going on? Or just that it got a little harder for him and I stopped riding (or never started riding) like a prelim rider and made it easy for him to say no. And so he started saying no. ????

This is what is going through my brain... the relentless circles. And all the people who mean well, but really don't know the whole situation... are making it worse. The comments about how maybe he's just not a prelim horse or how maybe he's hurting because it's not like him to say no..... they just are destructive to me. I KNOW that he could be hurting. Trust me.. he's 15. I'm freaking out about him getting old... I know he doesn't have pretty knees or hocks. I know he gets back sore. But that is also why he gets chiro'd, saddle fitted, hocks injected, knees injected, glucosamine, adequan, legends, pentosan, oral HA daily, etc. Whatever he could possibly want.. he gets. And then I go into the viscious cycle of... am I doing all this to make him sound? I don't want to do things like this just so that I can break him down. But if it's just that he's an older horse with poor conformation for eventing and an athlete and the stuff helps him feel better.. that's a different story. But where does the line get crossed? Do I know? Does anyone know? Does the line move? And I realize I have nothing else to ride yet, so am I pushing him to do something he's not capable of doing because I don't have any other options? Or am I just making him feel better? Or does it even matter? Does he care even? And as far as him being a prelim horse... sure, I realize it's hard and he may not be able to do it, but he sure rocked the courses earlier on. And even schooling after at Chatt Hills, once I got him over the sunken road and he understood it (or understood that he was going regardless of whether he wanted to or not) he rocked the entire course. So.. how is it that he can jump around and soar around and appear to be having fun one moment and then saying no the next? That makes me think that either he doesn't understand the particular questions.. and it does appear to be related to jumps that he can't see ahead of... or he just is being a pill. If it's pain.. why isn't it over more jumps. Sure, the sunken road and down banks...downhill jumps. But he's refusing the jump before the downhill part. And if it's downhill pain, why is he soaring into the water and off the other drops happily? I just don't get it. But then I say.. well, I've always said that he does anything I ask... so maybe I've taken advantage of that and he's doing it because he knows I want him to, but he really is struggling. He just does it for me. Then I feel horrible all over again. And then some people say that he's just being nappy and it's getting a little bit harder for him so he's stopping because you've let him stop. So what do I do? Beat him over it and tell him that is not acceptable because I've allowed it before and now he needs to realize stopping isn't an option? But how can I determine if it's training vs trauma? What is the right answer? Does he need time off to make himself feel better? Does he need to train through this and realize that I mean business and then he can have some time off? You know... I just don't know. And it's killing me that I can't determine which it is. We're trained to always go to the pain answer, but I can't figure out where he's hurting.

So.... ultimately... this weekend was frustrating in that we didn't "fix" our issues. But it was also positive because after stadium, I was so proud of him and myself. And I was able to reward him and tell him how lovely he was and how proud of him I was, and I really was! I was no longer mad at him. By blaming me (which honestly, is always the answer)... Beth has given me some freedom and fixed us in a way. I can stop blaming Fleck and being mad at him. (again, not that I was entirely blaming him, and also not that Beth isn't saying that Fleck isn't taking advantage of the situation)... But somehow.. .my sick twisted brain of mine... has morphed this into a good thing. I feel like we can fix this and we can get him back and while we may not ever be awesome and amazing... I feel like he can be a good prelim horse. It's in there... and it may not be in there for multiple seasons.. or at championship level... but I feel like we can figure it out and get back to blazing around XC and having fun again... at prelim. So.... the next step in the plan to accomplish that.... don't laugh... is to call an animal communicator. I just want to see what she says..  I'm hoping that it's not something like Fleck hates me.. or hates eventing.... or even that he's hurting and can't do this anymore. But I feel like this may help me determine a pain vs training issue. At the very least, I can say I've tried everything... Right now I feel like I'm at a cross roads of giving him the summer off and starting over vs trying to fix it while the goings hot. And I also know I'm stubborn enough (imagine that...) to try to keep fixing things when the best choice may be to back off. So I'm hoping she'll give me some clarification on that. And of course, we'll do more veterinary seeking. Trying to find out if he hurts and where.

So... we'll see. More to the saga to come I'm sure...
But Flecky seems happy today and his swollen tick bite looks better. He's enjoying the day off and getting to be free and graze rather than be stuck in his stall all day.