Full Gallop HT..... Ugh....

So... It took me awhile to write this post. Full Gallop was a big fat icky disappointment. And it shouldn't have been. It had the potential to be a fantastic weekend. Blechhhh..... I'm feeling better now but for awhile I was awfully frustrated and sad and ready to just give up. It was a really rough week. I'm just so tired of working so hard and failing. At everything...

So here's the run down...
I actually was able to take Friday off work, even with it only being a one day show. So in theory, I had time. And I got Sunday off too. I packed up the trailer Friday, had a good ride, and even got to hang out with Mike. Saturday FG offered a ride a test and since we've been having troubles with our geometry and going from warm up into the ring, I opted to go for it. Beth couldn't make it for the test, but Fleck and I warmed up fairly well. Julie saw us and reminded me to breathe and settle and think about my anatomy. And then Fleck got all wired and spooky for whatever reason. Maybe because he was leaning on my right leg so I may have goosed him with my spur. Regardless, I got him a little more settled and in we went. It was a little rushed and racy but not horrid. We scored well, a 32 and change. BUT... I don't think the judge was a big judge and I think she was generous. Whatever, I'll claim it. ;) So then Fleck went for a little cool down walk and then got a bath. Then we walked the XC course. It looked really fun! It wasn't a tough course really, and it flowed really well and there was plenty of good gallops. There was lots of hill and it was a long course, so I worried a little about Fleck in the heat and humidity. And there was some tough combinations too. There was an up ramp to a roll top downhill, bending line to the privet hedge, bendy line to an upright vertical skinny coop and then a long gallop downhill to the trakenher. The trakenher was a little scary but they filled it in with brush and it was doable. Tough line, but doable. Then you got to do a fun small log in the water and out to a steeplechase fence. There was a fun up bank bounce to a hanging log. And then the second water was fairly simple with some skinnies. The hardest thing on course was the double down bank (one stride) and then five strides to a skinny upright vertical corner. Then another uphill run up a double up bank with a bendy line to a cabin, and then you finished with two simple fences. So... a really fun course! Tough, and long, but it really looked fun. I was feeling pretty good about the next day. And then.... I got a migraine. It never went away and I ended up tossing and turning all night with a wet washcloth on my head trying to get rid of it. I managed to get a little bit of sleep but not much and I woke up with the migraine still there.

Ugh... I was able to do my dressage test and it went pretty well. We warmed up quite beautifully! Beth was impressed and Fleck felt phenomenal! Of course I went in and lost it a bit but Beth was proud. She said it was a good test for us. I forgot to change the bend during the simple change and we picked up the wrong lead. Doh. We fixed it quickly though. We ended up with a 36?? Something like that. Not bad for us. We were 12th out of 16 I think. Doh. Oh well. I just need to learn how to not tense and get so rushed in the tests. Argh. At that point I felt a lot better, but had two hours before the jumping phases. And it hit me. I was just exhausted. It was hot. I was tired. I just didn't really feel like doing it. I told Beth as much, but figured once I was on, I would feel better. And I did. But before I got on, while putting Fleck's studs in, he almost stood on my hand. (Liz later pointed out that I was obviously fatigued therefore my reaction time was delayed). Luckily I was super lucky and Fleck is a saint and managed to just give me two small scrapes. However, he stepped on his other foot and cut his coronary band with the studs. Sigh. But we were both fine and he wasn't lame and I wasn't broken. So we warmed up for stadium. He felt pretty good. Nothing super exciting but he was jumping well. We got into the ring and off we went. He jumped well but was behind my leg. And I never really fixed him. I think I thought I was trying, but I wasn't being effective. He heaved himself over them all and managed to jump clean, but it was not pretty!

So then I had 6 minutes before XC. I like that I didn't have to wait too long and wear him out, but 6 minutes is just not enough time. I was worried about him because it was hot and humid. I had to put on my vest and pinney. And I had to fix the behind my leg issue. And... I don't know honestly what happened. I think that perhaps I was just too rushed and too flustered and didn't ride...???? I wonder if Julie had walked by just then and told me to remember to breathe and focus...I don't know. We started off and the first two jumps were fantastic! Then we went up the berm to the roll top and I don't know if I felt him back off or just used the crop because I backed off, but I did give him a pop a few strides out. And he stopped. What?!?! It was a training level roll top! So we circled and he jumped it this time. I landed with my right foot out of the stirrup, but I managed to make the next two fences happen. He jumped the privet hedge like a beast and we did well over the coop. Then we started the diagonal downhill run to the trakenher. And I was trying to get my stirrup. I think that by the time I got it, I didn't have enough time to set him up and he just blew through the shoulder and ran out at the trakenher. But I don't know how hard I tried. I feel a bit like I sabotaged myself and subconsciously didn't ride.... because there was so much stress on me for the P3D. And I decided that if FG didn't go well, I wouldn't do the P3D. And the stress of worrying about him... and making time... and keeping my family happy, doing my job, adding in chiro... was just too much. I pulled up.

Sadly.. that's the walk of shame 3 shows in a row now. I was just.... upset. I didn't even know what to think. I know I didn't want to talk to anyone. Of course, I did. I ran into a few people... and I love eventers! They are so supportive. Lellie gave me a good pep talk, despite basically telling me that perhaps I should listen to Fleck and that maybe he's trying to tell me something. Which... was NOT what I wanted to hear. She also said I should put my horse before my pride. And she meant it in a good way...She wasn't judging or anything. Then I ran into Barbie who said that the people that mattered knew Fleck was awesome. He had nothing to prove. And then I ran into Kathy, who commiserated and said she had three cruddy shows in a row. And she knew it was hard to deal with but she had faith that Fleck and I would make a comeback. She said she suggested I count! Count my strides. Sounds familiar ;) She said we've all been there. And she also pointed out that while I was worried about Fleck's "reputation"... in reality... no one else cared. They were all worried about their own horses and their own problems. Duh! Of course...

So.... I was still feeling blue. On the way home the phone rang and I wasn't going to answer it. But it was Liz. So... I answered. And she helped. She pointed out that prepping for the P3D was a huge commitment and was going to take a lot of life energy. And life energy was something I was very short on lately. And she's right... work is taking it's toll, the family is taking it's toll, Danny even is taking a toll. There's just a LOT going on and I'm just so exhausted and sick and tired of always running non-stop. So then she asked me if I still wanted to do it, if I was still qualified, if Fleck was sound, and if there was any reason NOT to do the P3D. I told her technically no, aside from the fact that I had sucked it up at the last 3 shows. She said to just do it. It's been a long term goal... why not still do it? As long as he was holding up and we could do it... who cares how the last three shows went. But that I had to give it my all. And make a commitment to eliminate some of the other life energy sucking things in life... whether that meant dropping my friends for two months, not riding Dan for two months, taking more time off, limiting my chiro patients, etc. I had to commit myself fully.

So... I'm still thinking about it. I gave myself about a week off to just not think about it. I emailed Stableview and told them I was going to drop back down to training level. And I think my thought process is to just keep trekking. I'll plan to do the T3D but fit him up for prelim just in case. I'll see how Stableview goes and decide from there. It was super fun when we did it before, so.... it's still a fun way to celebrate our anniversary.

Of course I'll still listen to Fleck. Maybe he doesn't want to play, but... he sure feels good in general.