Sunday, July 12, 2015

Emotional Roller Coaster

This has been a rough few days. And I know it's not going to get any easier. I took Fleck for another hill work session today and a hack. I cleaned out the trailer so we didn't get started until almost 8 pm. It was beautiful out as far as the view. We watched the sunset and saw at least 2 big bucks and their does. However, the weather was still pretty awful. It was just so muggy. Both Fleck and I were dripping sweat. And the bugs were HORRIBLE! Out in the open they were no big deal. But in the woods, they were horrible. 
So we hacked out, finding as many hills as we could. Unfortunately we had to trot or canter through the woods because the bugs were so bad. And Fleck was just bad today. He was on high alert for some reason and kept stopping and staring. And he was going around inverted and hollow and choppy. And it was frustrating. I want him to build good muscles. And when he is like this, it's so hard not to get frustrated. And then I'm frustrated because I am frustrated. I know he's just on high alert. I shouldn't be getting mad at him. Sigh... 

We ended up doing 30 minutes of hills but again, he was awful. He was great trotting up the hill. But going down he kept bulging and inverting and trying to get back to the trailer. I was really getting angry. Then I was sad because I was angry and I just wanted to have a nice ride on my favorite horse. What if that's the last one?! Here I am being all mad at him for not cooperating and frustrated because he's not doing his "physical therapy" right and ultimately... just mad and frustrated that he's broken. Sigh. So then I start crying and thinking that maybe I do need to just let it go. Let him retire to my trail horse and if he wants to go around inverted and hollow, I should let him. Then I'm crying more because... now I'm ruining our relationship because every time I ride him, I'm upset that he's not better. I managed to pull it together and we decided to go chase the sun. We cantered to the lake and sat in the lake for a minute. We missed the sunset but that's okay. He was actually in pretty deep. I think he was just glad to avoid the bugs. Then I saw the sun through the trees and thought we could catch it on the dam so I made him trot down the dam. He was freaked out and being all spooky and then I saw why! Another big buck and his doe jumped down the hill. And we ended up not catching the sunset again. Doh! We headed back up to the XC field and I actually got him to pick up the right lead canter. Yay! Then we power trotted up the big hill once more and went to the dressage arena. He doesn't feel horrible, but I'm still feeling the lameness in the right front. We had a fairly decent trot in both directions and again picked up the right lead on the first attempt. So yay for that.

Then I hosed him off and gave him a bath since he was so gross. On the way home I started crying again and was listening to the Fish on the radio. Earlier in the day they had talked about how a guy was listening to a particular song in a bad moment and it spoke to him. But he wanted to hear it again so the message would really sink in. And the DJ came on the air and said "you know, I'm probably going to get fired for playing this song twice, but I feel like someone needs to hear it again". So the guy told God that if he played it a third time, he would quit his job and follow Gods plan for him. Lo and behold that DJ said "I'm definitely going to get fired for this, but I feel the need to play this song a third time". So... I do think that God can talk to us in music. I didn't like the song that was currently on so I started swapping through. I've been praying that God tells me what to do. And then I thought, maybe he is... maybe the fact that it's such a struggle is my sign. So I thought... okay God.. play that "say something I'm giving up on you" song if it's my sign to give up on Fleck. I flipped through all of my stations and it wasn't on. Then I flipped to my "radio 2" stations and flipped through all of them, and still didn't hear that song. Phew! So then I put it on the other Christian station and guess what song was playing?! The one that goes "Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me". Yep... So... well played God. Well played. I am not dumb enough that I realize that God loves me no matter what and the song is not about my horse. I know God was telling me that he still loves me. But I also still love my horse and I'm not giving up. Not quite yet. We still have half the month of hill work and seeing if the shoes work. I want to tweak his shoes at his next cycle and create a better break over point. And then, if he's still sore on the fetlock, then I can decide if I want to do IRAP, PRP, etc on that foot. And quite frankly... it's hard. It's frustrating. BUT... Fleck hasn't once acted like he doesn't want to go and do. The boy is cantering and trotting happily. Granted he's not really sound, but that isn't stopping him. So I will keep putting in the miles and efforts to make him happy and comfy. And if all we do is play, that's fine. As long as he's comfy. 

I do think I'm going to give him some bute for our dressage lesson Tuesday and see if that helps. Just to make myself feel better. Hopefully.


1 comment:

  1. hang in there :( sounds like a really frustrating (and upsetting!) situation, but also like there are still a lot of options on the table, esp given Fleck isn't even fully rehabbed yet. my fingers are crossed that you start to see improvements in him soon!